They’re Shutting Down Our What?!

Okay, so they didn’t actually shut down our government, but what could it mean if they did? Mail is still delivered. Emergency personnel are still on schedule, so you’re set there. But the Smithsonian? Closed. Most zoos? Closed. OH GOD THE SKY IS FALLING!

Relax. Take deep breaths.

I heard people freaking out hardcore over this. I saw Facebook questions like, “Does this mean the internet won’t work?” Come on, people. Just because Al Gore invented the internet doesn’t mean it shuts down when he does!

All jokes aside, this is a pretty vital time in our history. Our nation is on the verge of looking silly to the rest of the world. We can’t balance our checkbooks, something millions of people do globally every day. We’ve been behind on rent for years now, and we’re nearing the time we will to pay up or lose our home.

We need to buckle down and do the dirty deeds that will cause some Americans to be uncomfortable, but keep our nation afloat long enough to climb out of this deficit. We need to pay our debts to the rest of the world before we worry about our unusually high standard of living. 

If we’re not careful, China is going to turn into that angry loan shark who we owe a few months back pay to. He’ll take a bat to our kneecaps and when we’re at our weakest, strike us a final blow that we can’t get up from. According to the Treasury, China owns about $1 trillion of America’s $13 trillion debt.

If we’re going to climb out of this hole, we need to do what no one wants to and anger Americans. Raise taxes. You’ll get voted out of office, but it’s what needs to be done. We need to raise the age people can collect social security. Again, people will lose their office over it, but if we don’t do it, social security is going to be gone before those whiny, voting bastards get it anyways.

We, as a nation, need to make sacrifices that no one wants to make. Unpopular bills will kill some politicians’ careers (temporarily), but it will help us settle our debts and start rising back to the top of the food chain – a place where we’ve been absent the past decade or so.

So to the Congress: Hire a good PR agency and do what you must. We’re all counting on you. No pressure, though.