Don’t Be So Silly

So I hope by now everyone has seen the video from the White House Correspondents dinner where Obama mocks Trump a little bit after the birth certificate controversy.

Okay, now I want you to read the first sentence again and use air quotes when you get to the word controversy.

Donald Trump had to have been ignored as a child, because the man has been spewing the stupidest things I’ve heard from a presidential hopeful ever.

Maybe Mr. Trump should stick to firing Gary Busey from TV shows for a living – he seems to be awesome at that. *cue Conan “you’re fired” impression*

Don’t get me wrong, Americans have done strange things when it comes to politics – but this would probably take the cake. My parent’s generation elected Ronald Reagan, an actor, to the White House. Less than 15 years ago, Jesse “The Body” Ventura was elected as governor of Minnesota. 

Hell, even this decade we elected another actor, this time of the Schwarzenegger variety, to be governor of one of the most powerful states in the U.S. Christ, what’s wrong with us? (To be fair, I think he was probably a better choice than Gary Coleman)

But Trump? I mean come on. The guy is a joke. Excuse the language, but called the Chinese people “motherfuckers” and said he’d levee a 25% tax on imports to magically solve all our problems. My hero!

But seriously, really man? I mean…really? I have no retort as your idiocy speaks for itself. 

So what are we to do about this epidemic of unqualified people running for political office? I’m not sure, but I have an off-the-wall idea. How about an IQ test being administered before voting can be held? Maybe that would stave off the hordes of idiots that promote people like Trump.

And on a more personal note -- being a Donald myself -- you’re giving us a bad name Mr. Trump. You make me a sad panda.

Dear, HBO (and all you other advertising people)

Okay, first of all I want to thank you for creating A Game of Thrones. It’s quite possibly the most exciting thing that’s happened to me since I finished the book series. If you haven’t checked out the series OR the HBO show – well, you’re missing out. 

Now that that’s out of the way, I want to talk about something. The gratuitous sex you put in most of your shows is kind of over the top. Maybe it’s more uncomfortable for me because I watch a lot of these shows with my mom, but it’s still overboard all the same.

At first, it’s edgy. It’s cool and sexy. But when it’s literally every show you create, it gets a bit stale. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I think it actually adds to the story and whatnot – but it’s not always necessary. (Just so we’re clear here, I’m not talking about the sex in A Game of Thrones, which has been moderate and accurate to the books – except the first scene with Khal Drogo and Daenerys, you made that WAY more rapey (not a word, I know) than it was in the books)

But it’s not really HBO that I want to bicker at. It’s the entire television/movie industry. Sex sells. I get it. *Yawn*

No, really. I do. But at what point do you cross that border between sexy and tacky? If I see one more Calvin Klein commercial before I die, it will be too soon. The people doing CK’s advertising must have the worst creative crew ever. I picture it going a little something like this:

Advertising guru: How can we sell this product to the people?!

Advertising novice: How about a scenic backdrop and then off to the left a white stallion appears bearing Mr. Klein. And then we can bring in a…..

Advertising guru: Shut up, novice – I’ve got it! Check this out. We have two beautiful people in nothing but underwear. AND THEY ROLL AROUND IN BED ALL SEXY-LIKE! Who wouldn’t want to buy our underwear after such a mind-blowing display of awesome?

Me: WHAT THE F***? Again?! I’m getting some Hanes.

I’m pretty sure that up there is like 103% accurate, too.

So I guess what I’m trying to say is stop using sex to sell EVERYTHING. Just because your product is boring and unimaginative doesn’t mean you have to torture the rest of us with ads that share similar qualities. 

Besides, if I wanted to watch people roll around in their underwear for entertainment, I’d go to my family reunion.

Think For Yourself

Freshly inspired off the Maverick’s fourth quarter rally behind my boy Dirk, I felt like writing up a little something that irritates me about the sports world and really the world in general – lemmings.

No, I’m not talking about the strange, (falsely thought of) suicidal rodents. I’m talking about lemmings of the people variety. Everyone knows some. You know, those people that take everything an “expert” says as the gospel and use it as if it was their own thoughts.

People will generally believe anything someone says, even if they’re talking out of their ass. Case and point is this first round series between the Mavericks and the Trail Blazers.

Look, I’ll be the first person to admit that I was (and still am) scared of this first round matchup. I’d much rather face the suddenly David West-less Hornets or even the surging Nuggets. The fact is, the Trail Blazers match up well against my Mavericks.

But with that being said, I’d like to point out that people automatically jumping on the Portland bandwagon is irrational. Just because Jeff Caplan points out an upset alert doesn’t mean it’s going to come true.

Remember when the Earth was flat because experts said it was? Okay, I don’t either, but that doesn’t mean it wasn’t popular thought.

How about that good ol’ geocentric model of the universe? I mean, come on, Ptolemy was a pretty smart feller.

Or what about when Christopher Columbus went to the Indies? Wait, what? Someone get that man a TomTom.

So my point is this: experts aren’t always right. Take that to the bank. They’re not. Actually, I’d be willing to bet they’re wrong just as often as they’re right. Especially Skip Bayless. That guy is perpetually wrong. And besides, I get 50/50 guesses right about…oh I’d say half the time, too!

So anyways, do me a favor. Do your friends a favor and most importantly, do the Mavericks a favor. Think for yourself and stop rooting for Dallas to fail because it’s a good upset pick that might make you look smart to your friends.

Oh yeah, and that's why Dirk is clutch for all you haters out there. Suck on 13 free throws in the fourth quarter.

They’re Shutting Down Our What?!

Okay, so they didn’t actually shut down our government, but what could it mean if they did? Mail is still delivered. Emergency personnel are still on schedule, so you’re set there. But the Smithsonian? Closed. Most zoos? Closed. OH GOD THE SKY IS FALLING!

Relax. Take deep breaths.

I heard people freaking out hardcore over this. I saw Facebook questions like, “Does this mean the internet won’t work?” Come on, people. Just because Al Gore invented the internet doesn’t mean it shuts down when he does!

All jokes aside, this is a pretty vital time in our history. Our nation is on the verge of looking silly to the rest of the world. We can’t balance our checkbooks, something millions of people do globally every day. We’ve been behind on rent for years now, and we’re nearing the time we will to pay up or lose our home.

We need to buckle down and do the dirty deeds that will cause some Americans to be uncomfortable, but keep our nation afloat long enough to climb out of this deficit. We need to pay our debts to the rest of the world before we worry about our unusually high standard of living. 

If we’re not careful, China is going to turn into that angry loan shark who we owe a few months back pay to. He’ll take a bat to our kneecaps and when we’re at our weakest, strike us a final blow that we can’t get up from. According to the Treasury, China owns about $1 trillion of America’s $13 trillion debt.

If we’re going to climb out of this hole, we need to do what no one wants to and anger Americans. Raise taxes. You’ll get voted out of office, but it’s what needs to be done. We need to raise the age people can collect social security. Again, people will lose their office over it, but if we don’t do it, social security is going to be gone before those whiny, voting bastards get it anyways.

We, as a nation, need to make sacrifices that no one wants to make. Unpopular bills will kill some politicians’ careers (temporarily), but it will help us settle our debts and start rising back to the top of the food chain – a place where we’ve been absent the past decade or so.

So to the Congress: Hire a good PR agency and do what you must. We’re all counting on you. No pressure, though.

America: A Nation of Sissies

When did we become this entitled and whiny as a nation? This has been weighing on my mind for a couple of years now. Every time I see a story about obesity in America or inappropriate television for children I go into a minor fit of rage.

What do we expect? We live in one of the most privileged nations in the world. We have running water. We have a strong military to protect us from foreign invaders. Police officers, however my disposition toward them, arrive on scenes as fast as possible to take care of bad situations. And maybe most importantly, most of us are employed for crying out loud. 

What more do you want? We could try another civil war if you wanted. Or maybe we could give social unrest a chance. How about a hearty helping of communism? Sounds like smooth sailing to me!

Be thankful for what you have. Do you want to live in Libya? Yeah, I don’t either. I think the United States needs to put on a PR campaign spotlighting just how good we have it. Run mandatory PSAs on all the major broadcast channels. We could do a compare and contrast thing like “Remember the dust bowl? No? Ask your grandma – she’ll tell you to shut up and be happy!” We could have Sean Connery and Rosie O’Donnell do it together so everyone gets the message of unity and prosperity.

Okay maybe we can skip the Sean and Rosie part.

Visiting any forum or product/service review website on the internet inevitably leads to what I hate the most – people complaining about things so miniscule that it actually makes me look at the product or topic and say “Gee, this must be worth buying/reading if that’s all people can find to complain about.”

I’m going to tell a short story to get my point across. A couple of months ago I was in the market for a new cooling pad for a laptop. I stumbled across a fairly inexpensive (and mostly highly reviewed) product that I eventually settled on. But somewhere under the reviews, there was someone complaining that the cooling pad had arrived for them and their child used it to hit their pet dog with, leaving a knot on the dog’s head. I’m not entirely sure why this person was angry at the people at Tarsus, but they down-rated the cooling pad (1 star out of 5) because it was made of material that could injure someone if the pad was used as a weapon, especially if the child hit itself in the head with it.

Wow.

Hold on, I’m not done being shocked yet…wow. Okay, I’m better. I can’t find the review now, so either it was a joke or it was removed by the moderator because it was ridiculous. I don’t know which. But…

This is going to sound harsh, and that’s okay because I mean for it to.  If the child hits itself in the head with a cooling pad, I think that might be natural selection at work. All I’m saying is the Dodo is extinct because it was a sucky animal.

You know what kids a couple generations ago played with when they were that age? Wood burning kits. In the house. Next to the curtains.

So I’ll ask again, when did we turn into a nation of sniveling crybabies? This article is talking about a new measure we’re taking in the fight against obesity in this country. People are voting for a law to make restaurants put calorie content on their menus. Some already have this, but it’s always the restaurant’s “low-calorie” options. 

We don’t need to see calorie intake to make us skinny. We need to eat healthy and exercise. I’ve gained 30 pounds since I graduated high school, so I’m at the root of the problem. But do I think ensuring calorie counts are visible is going to help me?

Hell no. I eat what I want when I want it because I’m an American with no regard for being a fatty-fatty two-by-four. The only way to fight obesity is to outlaw the things that make us fat – not show us how many calories that extra slice of bacon has in it.

Obesity (and having stupid children) is our fault. Ours. It shouldn’t be up to the rest of the world to ensure our safety or well-being. The concern is ours. Stop complaining and do something about it instead of making others do it for you.

Is It Our Turn Yet?

Is it our turn to be in control? I’m talking about everything here. The media, politics, sports – you name it and the older generations have seized control for years. But I think times are starting to change for my generation.

All it takes to see a swing in power is a look at things that are applauded today. I read that the creators of South Park, Trey Parker and Matt Stone have a Broadway show out meant to be a satirical look at Mormonism. 

Oh yeah, and the show is being raved about. You heard me right, a Broadway show from the same duo that brought the world cinema greatness in the form of Baseketball. I mean, I’m all for it. But my mom? She’d never have it.

More proof is just about everything I do on the internet. I play video games, which my parents always frowned on. I laugh at other people’s misfortune on Failblog.com, which my grandparents don’t think is nearly as funny as I do. Rebecca Black wouldn’t have garnered an inch of fame had we not had so much influence in today’s world.

Actually, maybe that would have been better.

Another sign of the times is TV programming. Television is plagued with programs today that showcase promiscuity and drug use like it’s an unedited look into the life of Jim Morrison. To most people I know, it’s not even shocking. But my grandparents would be appalled that things like this can even be shown on television. We’ve come a long way from the variety shows of their era.

So how do we continue this rise to power? I really don’t think there is much we can do. As the older generations lose fire it will eventually fall to us without much work. But, hey -- I’m in no rush to push the older, wiser generations out regardless. 

They control everything for a reason. And do you know why? It’s because they’re smarter than we are. Don’t doubt this. Are you smarter than your parents? If you’re shaking your head yes, you’re delusional or lying.

I’m sure one day when I’m older, my kids will be complaining about the way my generation wants things. But until then, I’ll just sit back and wait for my turn. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

Almost.

Charlie Sheeeeeeeeeen

I have to write about the man. Really…I have to. I apologize in advance.

But seriously, the man is (might be?) a genius. His off-the-wall rants and general lack of care about his public persona is getting him ridiculous amounts of coverage in every aspect of the media. I won’t lie; I’ve watched and enjoyed more than one of his movies. The Rookie was great.

I never cared for Two and a Half Men, but I understand it has a huge following. I’m more of a King of Queens kind of guy myself (bring that show back CBS), but I digress.

The reason I threw in “might be a genius” is because I’m not sure where all this attention is going to take him. Is it going to be like when Gary Coleman went batshit crazy on everyone or will it pan out and make him another American Bad Boy? Colin Farrell seems to enjoy that role. As did Johnny Depp until he started making Disney movies.

But Sheen landing a reality show TV offer from my boy Mark Cuban days after all the ensuing madness shows that I think it will be the latter.

America loves controversy. No wait, we strive for controversy. It makes our days better to see a celebrity go nuts. We can say, “Wow, at least I’m not as mental as that Charlie Sheen guy!” And after we’re done knocking him for being insane, we watch an hour long interview on 20/20 with the guy.

Twice.

So yes, I think he’s a public relations genius of sorts. Why are you hiring a social media person again, Sheen? You seem to have this mapped out pretty well in your “10,000 year old brain.”

Have you ever heard that there is no such thing as bad publicity? It’s kind of playing out here. I’d be willing to bet money that he’s going to get some (multiple) deals off this entire situation. And to top it off, maybe he’s right about some stuff.

His kids will think he’s the cool parent. It’s nice to know your mom or dad can’t judge you because they did the same things when they were your age. I guess it helps that he’s rich.

The early numbers say that he’s received over 74,000 applications to be his social media intern. SEVENTY-FOUR THOUSAND. If the caps weren’t enough to show you how many that is – it’s more people than the capital of Nevada.

He’s high on Charlie Sheen, I get it. Maybe his self-produced drug will someday run out, but for now, I have one question: Where can I get some?